Mop-Up Nitro 11.27.00
By Hyatte
Mop-Up Nitro
Word is, Bischoff's returning. (again)
How is this good news for the company, again?
They should have tried to get in bed with McMahon. It's the best shot wrestling as a whole has at staving off this big downslide that everyone says is about to happen.
Ah well...
NITRO (or: HE's in league with Austin and the Rock? I demand to see proof! )
-opens with the guy doing the thing with the whoosits.
-Actually, it opens with someone announcing to a mock Press Conference that GWB is our new President (I think... I tuned in 5 seconds too late). He is met by Jeff Jarrett, who guitars him then calls him "slapnuts". Thousands of Trailers shake as beer guzzling welfare cases either named "Randy" or "Roy" stomp their feet and begin to hoot and holler, "YEEEHAW!!! THAT DUBBU-JAY SURE SHOWN DEM WASHYTOON BOYS A THING OR TWO!!!!"
-WCW... we won't ask a damn one of ya to register.
-WCW symbol. It's still a true stretch of the imagination to actually SEE the letters "W", "C", and "W" in there.
-Still shots from Mayhem. Did anyone see it? And if so, can anyone tell me that they really could NOT have "imagined" what they just saw? I just KNOW there is a possible lawsuit somewhere in this. False Advertisement is QUITE illegal, folks.
-opening theme. They really should work on getting that Vampiro footage out of there.
-Fireworks amaze the fans... many of whom were seen looking around in awe. Those fireworks are quite a sight, indeed... quite a si...
-oh... wait... I'm sorry, the fans were just gaping at all the empty seats in the upper decks. Alas... the sad news is that the days when Nitro actually DID sell out a house are drifting further and further away... soon, the only people who will remember when they filled a house will be old farts like Bob Ryder.
-They are in "Rockford, Illinois". Which begs the question... what moron would name a town after a horrible James Garner show?
-"The Rockford Files" (for you youngsters out there who thought TV was invented around the time "Seinfeld" came on)... arguably, on of the worst shows on TV. If you missed the first 5 minutes, you were lost for the whole episode.
-"Magnum P.I" was like that too. So was "Vegas", "The Equalizer", and "Simon and Simon"
-DAMMIT... THE ONLY GOOD TV SHOW MADE IN THE LAST 20 YEARS WAS "BUCK ROGERS"!!!!
-Gil Gerard... he could have been the next Harrison Ford... dammit.
-And I DEFY you not to get a boner when Erin Gray was seduced by that Space Vampire and turned all evil!!!!
-alas... then Twinky the robot (or however he's named) had a new actor speak his lines and it went all downhill from there.
-They are at the "Metro Center"... finally, porn star Alex Metro gets PROPS!
-Tony Schiavone introduces himself, Mark Hudson, and Fat Fu** Madden. Tony calls blimpie the "Best Looking Big Man on Television". It cannot possibly be much longer before Madden's heart finally says, "Oy, I can't take this", and putters out. I mean, John Candy was younger when he went.
-Tony tells us that we have three new champions. Including Big Poppa Pump as world champ. GOOD!!! I say GOOD!!! Because once everyone realizes that Steiner ain't gonna carry the company to ratings success, we can all goof on Ryder and Scherer who spent the last year screaming how Steiner's gonna be "bigger than Austin!"
-of course... not that we don't already have PLENTY of ammo to goof on them with.
-In the ring, already... because it's ALL ABOUT ACTION PACKED, HAIR RAISING ACTION!!!... the remaining members of 3Count were in there. That would be Shane and Shannon (bwahahahaaa). Evan Karagias has defected, apparently. Nobody noticed, apparently. Nobody even mentioned it online, from what I can see. Hell, I don't even know when any of this went down.
-What happened to Tank Sinatra, anyway?
-The 2 3 cun... COUNTERS promised us that they were still 3 Count even with two left. I'm just waiting until the original, creative bookers to hook them up with some sweet Spanish chica who knows how to fly in the air and wears her pants slightly below her bikini line.
-They demanded their music be played, but instead got...
-Loco and Cajun... who came to the ring and got things going. Tony promised us that they will be spending the next TWO hours promoting the beejeezus out of the "Mayhem" replay.
-Hudson says that when it's all said and done, and the great History of WCW is written, (heh... will this be the history that says that Hulk Hogan was brand new to the sport when WCW first hired him in 1994? or maybe they will go crazy a little and throw a little TRUTH in there?), Scott Steiner's big victory in Milwaukee will be a HIGHLIGHT. (ooph... how long has it been, really, since you could reasonably put the words (sort of) "WCW" and "Highlight" in the same sentence?
-Madden says, "When God, in all his wisdom, decided to create the perfect man, the perfect wrestler, the perfect champion, he created Scott Steiner!" Err... you really think God had ANYTHING to do with making that idiot? Did God give him that body? Those arms? Did God make his hair go from brown to dead white?
-AND DON'T TELL ME GOD HAD ANY FRIGGIN' THING TO DO WITH STEINER'S BIMBO'S LIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-OR THOSE BREASTS!!!!!
-OR STEINER'S BREASTS!!!!!!
-Come to think of it... God also probably had zero to do with Madden's obesity. Oh no... that came from a life of rejection and bitterness. All these fat people are so afraid of being rejected that they use food to build a huge wall around them to repulse people and keep them away.
-In fact... the only thing on this show that God can take credit for is Hudson's missing hair.
-so, it was a tag team match with nothing on the line other than PRIDE!!! Unfortunately, any self pride I might have left will surely be erased faster than Sean Shannon's presense on Rantsylvania if I spent any time on this match...
-... other than to say that after Shane knocked Cajun with a superkick, Madden screamed, "SUGAR SHANE WITH THE SUGAR SMACK!!" Madden referencing food... who'da thunk it?
-The MIA won after Evan Karagias and some other nitwit showed up and hit one of them with a ladder. A ladder that Tony swore was the "EXACT SAME LADDER THEY USED LAST NIGHT!!!!" (must have been a bitch packing it in their car)
-How does Tony know it's the EXACT SAME LADDER? Actually, he strikes me as the type of guy who actually does study hardware tools in his spare time.
-After the match, Loco Chavo and Loser Lash stared into the camera and challenged the audience at home to take them on. Yeah, like I'd actually put THEM over.
-commercials
-Mix Flex-All once again made moves on Miller's girl. Miller stepped in. Mix says that he's gonna take Miller's "pride". Miller sayd, "take my pride" three times. Miller also says, "Let me tell you something" twice. It takes the WHITE MAN Lance Storm to bean Miller on the head with a chair and announce that it's "Team Canada". If Canada has a version of "Uncle Tom"... then this be a sparkling example.
-Oh, and it was the worst chair sell in the history of sports entertainment.
-The Announcers get face time. Mark has his arms folded across each other on his end of the table. Wow... he looks so SKINNY in that pose!!
-In Internet Wrestling circles, that bit of sarcasm is known as a "Zimmermanism".
-Meano Geno Okerlundo is in the ring and introduces Scott Steiner as their new champion.
-Steiner comes out with the bim... I get NO heat from her... she ain't hot.
-Hudson sez that this is Steiner's 13th YEAR in WCW... I wonder how long they deliberated on whether to throw "consecutive" in there just to see if anyone was paying attention?
-Okerlund jammed the mic in his face and said... oh who knows?
-Steiner said that while it was nice to get the ovation from the fans... he would prefer that they get on their hands and knees and pucker up and kiss the champ's ass.
-Steiner got going on how he banged plenty of "phreaks" after his title win. He has yet to stress which gender these "phreaks" may be.
-That's right... I'M CALLING SCOTT STEINER A POSSIBLE FAGOLA!!!!!!! BRING IT ON, JUICE BOY!!!!! I AIN'T SEAN SHANNON!!! I'LL FIND A MUCH MORE CREATIVE, BELIEVABLE WAY TO WUSS OUT!!!!!
-Did I ever tell you kids about my bad kidneys? It's a birth defect.
-He swore to us that he shellacked these "phreaks" while wearing nothing but his boots and his belt. And he "sent sweet sensations up and down their spine" (AHA!!! ASS PLAY!!!!! HE IS QUEER AS FOLK!!!!)
-My favorite part is when he stops after every paragraph and pauses a bit... no doubt proud to have remembered his lines.
-Steiner said that he came here tonight "looking for a fight"... (well, he's beating the Hell out of the English language, there's a start.)
-The problem is... Booker T is OUT... Sting is OUT... and Goldberg is a big wimp
-"What ever happened to the saying... 'it's easier to get to the top, than staying there?'... not when you're me, when you take the son of a bitches OUT!" (oy... and the English Language goes down in the 5th.)
-So, Steiner has no opponent tonight... and maybe not until Starrcade... so instead, he'll give the fans a treat. Then he told them to get on their knees and pucker up.
-Flair's music came on.
-Flair came out. Let us count the seconds before he makes the LAUGHABLE ATTEMPT to convince the fans that WCW is still the number 1 company. (poor bastard thinks this is the early 90's)
-Flair first agrees that Steiner is the man.
-Then Flair says that Steiner is the "flagship of the company" and that they are "going to build the greatest wrestling company in the world around the greatest world champion, right now" (44 SECONDS EXACTLY!!!!! I SWEAR!! I ACTUALLY TIMED IT!!)
-BUT... Flair continued on about how Steiner now has a lot of responsibility and perks... but one perk he does NOT have is the ability to call his own shots! (Only Hogan was able to get that in his contract)
-Flair wants Steiner to constantly prove his worth so, Ric picked up the phone and talked someone into coming out and fighting him for Starrcade. Now, normally, Flair would go up to some kid backstage and mutter a fast "good luck" before sending him out to mess with Steiner. (Heh, I bet that sums up his realtionship with David quite nicely). But at Starrcade, he will knock on Steiner's dressing room door and wish STEINER good luck.
-Steiner piped in and asked who Flair has lined up? He ran off a potential list of names...
-Booker T? Sting? Their asses are in the hospital.
- Andre the Giant? He's dead. (Whoa? Where did that name come from?)
-STEVE AUSTIN??? When he was in WCW, Steiner kicked HIS ass. (well, yeah... because WCW didn't have the slightest f-ing clue how to harness Austin's charisma. Smart move referencing that name, genius. Great way to remind the fans that RAW is on in 30 minutes.)
-THE ROCK??? HE DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO COME HERE! Steiner followed that up with "If you smeeelllll what I'm cooking!!" (Oh Jesus... how many feature movie roles did WCW successfully get Steiner into? Has Steiner ever SEEN a paycheck worth $5 million?)
-Yeah... no balls... right. Plus, Rocky has a little something called common sense.
-Flair calmly assured Steiner that the Gentlemen coming in is in the "same elite class" as the two men Steiner referred to. Yes, but... this is coming from the same people who tried to make that C-Sucker Mancow seem on the same level as Howard Stern.
-Then Flair got into Steiner's conduct. He informed Scott that even though HE has been guilty of a few "discretions" back in his day... he is now the CEO, so he must follow a new set of rules and make sure everyone else follows them too. This involved Steiner's penchant for putting people in the hospital... such as Booker T.
-This comment brought out Stevie Ray, who, from what I heard, pretty much gave away last night's ending when, before the match, he announced that Booker sat him down and made him promise NOT to interfere in the cage match. Apparently, Stevie spent a good 5 minutes explaining in great detail that no matter WHAT happens, he can NOT jump in and kick some white ass.
-So, now Stevie wanted REVENGE!!!! Steiner invited him to bring it on. Both men freely made use of the term, "punk yo' ass". Stevie also threw in "fruit booty" a few times for good measure. (ironically, "fruit booty" is about the most inventive term I've ever heard. Yet does THAT get a t-shirt?? NOOOOOO Why? Because a BLACK MAN MADE IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!)
-"Save the Drama...." and "Don't hate the playa..." were both created by that homeboy Vince Russo... in case you were about to call me on that.
-Flair said that they won't be fighting NOW... but they'll go at it later. Steiner made this a "Title vs Career" match.
-Wow... I haven't been this excited for a main event since they threw Horace out there against Goldberg. (again... Zimmermanism)
-commercials Let it be known that Goldberg's autobio has YET to make it on the New York Times Best Seller list. Nor has WCW: The Ultimate Guide by Bob Ryder and Dave Scherer.
-and I sincerely doubt that any Publisher is re-arranging their shipping schedule to clear a week for Scott Keith and John Craddock's The Buzz on Professional Wrestling
-Backstage, Disq and Alex Wright try to hire Kronik once again. Kronik's asking price was too much. Disq tried to jew them down a bit... which made Herr Wright walk away in disgust (those damn Germans... can't let it go. Neither can I, apparently)
-Hugga Rection (and be a Homo) tells Paula Pollshock that Lance Storm is all done... and now Bam Bam Bigelow is the NEXT Anti-American scumbag (he is from JERSEY, after all) to taste the wrath of the PATRIOT GIMMICK!!!
-Loco then slapped Rection in hopes to pump him up. No American would take a slap from a Mexican. IF YOU ARE GOING TO WORK THE GIMMICK, MORRUS... YOU HAVE TO *BE* THE GODDAM GIMMICK!!!!!!!
-In the ring, Leah Meow was fussing over Jung Wang (does it matter what his name is? he's Japanese)
-Lance Storm came out. He got on the stick and said, "If I can be serious for a moment.." (HAW!!! That never fails to crack me up! Ahh, that sumbitch)
-Storm did not come out there to complain about dropping a Mayhem match (if he had any sense... he'd complain backstage. This guy has more potential than damn near ANYONE in the company)
-Storm said he worked the match with four cracked ribs, but that was no excuse. (Tony, "HERE, HERE!!!" Tony once called in sick because he cracked his toe knuckles. Actually, this is a lie. Tony is so paranoid over Hudson taking his spot for good that he could have a red line case of gonorrhea and still call the show.)
-Instead, Storm promised to get Rection back... somehow, somewhere, sometime... and most probably within the context of tonight's broadcast.
-So, he asked that his Anthem be played... which it was...
-Then Wang attacked. And it was ON!!!
-of course, Storm won. This is what's called a "Frozen push"... he's not getting a PUSH push, but he is locked up in a stationary push where he'll keep winning meaningless matches until they decide what to do with him next. Let's see if this little invention of mine can catch on.
-Of course, Storm did NOT win... Miller ran in, threw Storm a chair. Storm caught it off balance, calmly and slowly re-positioned himself, and held it out so Miller could do a somersault and tag the chair with it which subsequently (or "consequently", if you want to get all anal about it) hit Storm in the face... which subs... conse... some sort of "ently", caused Wang Duck Dong to win. Which, by the way, blows my whole "frozen push" all to shit... BASTARDS!!!
-Oh, and that sequence (consequence?) I described above... possibly the most horribly executed thing I've ever witnessed. IT'S CRAP LIKE THIS THAT MAKES DEFENDING THE "REALNESS" OF WRESTLING SO DAMN HARD!!!! DAMMIT!!!!!
-commercials
-Storm storms into his locker room and bitches at Duggan and Mxyzptlker for not helping him. He was particularly hard on Hacksaw, (and kids... I cannot stress the danger of being hard on a hacksaw... don't try it)
-Incidentally... it took me a full hour PLUS 5 minutes to locate a Superman comic book in my stash to get Mxyzptlk's name right. ALL FOR YOU!!!!!
-Backstage, Stevie Ray assures someone over the phone that he's going to take care of "it" tonight. Feel free to insert joke about either A: drugs or B: a Steven King novel right here
-Elsewhere, Disq and Wright buy the services of the Harris Brothers. The price is "two drinks and two sandwiches". Of course... it's the FANS who will end up paying THROUGH THE FRIGGIN' NOSE here. WE'RE THE ONES WHO HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THIS!!!!
-Lex Luger comes out. It's a wonder why Hogan's "Flexy Lexy" nickname never caught hold.
-He's in the ring and has a mic. He's got an announcement.
-He says that last night marked the end of Goldberg's streak, and thus... marked the end of Goldberg's career. The Announcers, who must have been reading the want ads during that match last night, said "What is he talking about??"
-Luger called this the "biggest news to ever hit professional wrestling"... (WHAT? YOU MEAN THIS IS BIGGER THAN LAST APRIL'S "RUSSO/BISCHOFF: THE NIGHT THE WORLD CHANGED"??????)
-heh heh heh hee hee hee hoo hoo hoo HA HA HA BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA oh God I crack myself up.
-Luger said this topped EVERYTHING he has done in the past... titles... homes... cars... business transactions. (He failed to bring up bodyslamming Yoko... and what about the "Lex Express"?)
-Luger reasoned that Goldberg Speared Referee "Mickey J" last night... which is a "mortal sin" in this business. (oh, but worrying more about your posedown than your actual match isn't?) And since CEO Flair is now a born again stickler for the rules, this means GB has been DQed and he is OUT of the business.
-Luger applauded himself. In the mother of all bad timings, he slipped up a word while talking about how he is the smartest wrestler in the world. (isn't that kind of like calling Jury Duty the funniest Pauly Shore movie?)
-Luger bailed.
-a long WHITE limo pulled up. Well, it ain't Joe C... that's for sure.
-commercials
-Jimmy Hart is challenging MORE DJ's. DOES ANYONE F-ING F-FACED F-BAG REALIZE THAT THIS IS THE SINGLE WORSE ANGLE OF THE LAST 3 YEARS?????? YES, I AM INCLUDING LENO, MASTER P, AND THE OWEN HART "DEATH"!!!!!!!!!!!
-BUTTWADS!!! JUST FOR THIS, I AM GOING TO PUNISH WCW BY REFUSING TO RECAP A FULL THREE SEGMENTS!!!! THAT'S THREE BIG ANGLES THAT WILL NOT GET PROMOTED BY ME!!!!!!!!
-Mean Gene, Jarrett, Filthy Animals, Fruit.
-Vito, some Italian girl with a mustache... nonsense
-Karagias and some dude took on Wright and Disq and.. oh, right... three segments. Sorry...
-commercials
-Oh My God... big vignette that says, "Blood Runs Cold"... "The Ice Age Returns to WCW....Again" GLACIER!!! Oh sweet Jesus... they wouldn't... they COULDN'T???
-Actually, judging from the way the Announcers goofed on it... they aren't.
-BUT... the REAL travesty here is how they used FOUR dots to signify a pause with "WCW....Again", proper punctuation clearly says that you may use no more than THREE dots
followed by a space in this context. I hope NoSoul wasn't watching the show... he refused to put me on STc until I stopped with the .............'s. His head must have exploded!
-We see a long limo... again.
-Ric Flair is somewhere behind a desk, ready for a SERIOUS moment... we can tell that this will be serious due to the pitcher and glass of water by Ric's side.
-Ric announces that yes, Goldberg DID Spear a referee... BUT, he speared the guy because Luger pulled him into Goldberg's way. So they will have a rematch at Starrcade to decide once a for all... err... something. Let's just say that no one in the company is quite yet willing to send the big lug over to that "other show" just yet. (heh... there's one for the Duh Files)
-Kevin Nash and "Diamond" Dallas Page came out. They are the new tag champs. I expect that this is only a blissfull time killer until Bischoff gets back in charge and suddenly, Page is working every PPV main event for the calender year.
-That was the oddest thing about the Bischoff/Russo era... as soon as Bischoff came back into power, BANG... Page was main eventing again.
-They come to the ring, all giddy-like. Looks like it's time for some, "We don't care, we just wanna have fun, so we be SHOOTING" speeches.
-Nash announces to Rockford that "DDP and Big Sexy" are in the house!! Nash fails to announce that both men are DEEP in their 40's and have absolutely NO business getting all "Wu Tang" like that.
-DDP grabs the mic and sends a special "shout out" to a bud. ("shout out"? I bet Rich in KC taught him that. Is Rich in KC still alive?)
-DDP "shouts" "HEY, YO!!" Then says "Survey SAYS!!"...
-Naturally, this gets the crowd to chant, "We Want Hall!! We Want Hall". Which Nash cheerfully pointed out.
-DDP reminds the youngsters that back in the "day", he used to manage Scott Hall... also back in the "day", he used to tag with Vinnie Vegnash as the "Vegas Connection"...
-DDP admitted that they sucked... then DDP reminded us that they were just going to have fun while riding out their contracts (whoa... look up the phrase "Team player" and you'll get "Not them")
-BUT... DDP brought it back to something these Limp Bizcut Generation Yers can relate to and said that Hall and Nash went on to form the Outsiders and blah, blah, blah
-Madden folded and said, "Bring the guy back"... (because... err... he's proven his reliability? He's gotten his life together? He didn't just cause a three car pileup last week? He's not the Wrestling version of Robert Downey Junior?)
-DDP says that since H & N were the "Outsiders"... logic dictates that they should be called the "Insiders".
-Page says that he'll watch Nash's back and they'll stick together until the company sticks together and brings the "other" Outsider back.
-Nash is on the stick and says that what Page just said was just too "sweeeeet"
-you know... I... sigh
-I like Hall... I damn near love Nash... but...
-Are they F-ing kidding me?
-Scott Hall is a drunk... and maybe even a full blown Junkie, t'boot.
-Scott Hall has embarrases himself, the company, his family, and his partner every time he's been given a "second chance".
-Scott Hall's behavior was so out of control that his WIFE had to make a public plea on the Internet to alert us to his problems.
-Despite all that... these two selfish, bloated millionaires are DEMANDING that he be re-hired
-hey folks... you know all those stories we hear about egos and backstage politics, and selfish manuevering? Well you're looking at it right there... live on National TV.
-Page and Nash don't give one single SHIT about WCW... they just want their buddy back so THEY can control the book and make sure that nobody in the company scores unless they allow it. They see the writing on the wall... they see that they ahve more active years behind them than in front... and they will suck the tits of this company dry before heading out to pasture.
-What a pair of prima donnas. Unreal.
-F-It... BRING HALL BACK!!! It will be so fun watching them piss all over the company some more.
-The Natural Born Thrillers come out to Wolfpack music. Mike Sanders has a mic and says that Page and Nash are just like all these people in the seats... (ooo... maybe, if we're lucky, he'll call them "Trailer Trash")
-Page and Nash are a couple of "Cheeze whiz sucking, trailer trash individuals"... (BOOYAAA)
-Umm... out of every guy on screen with a mic... which one sounds like an AUTHENTIC "trailer trash"?
-Sanders says that Page must have spent his time away at home watching RAW!!!!! (well, it's a safe bet)
-Actually, he said "Nitro"... and that Page must have gotten all jealous over the NTB's heat
-He accused Page of riding Nash's coattails, who, in turn, were riding the NTB's tails... which is probably more closer to the truth than anyone is letting on.
-He said that P&N; won't have the belts for long... not after Jindrak and O'hare get a shot at Starrcade.
-Page, seemingly oblivious to the fact that it will end up in a big dog pile, insisted that Jin and O come on down right then and there. Which they did.
-They actually had a tag match for a spell... then Sanders knocked out the Ref before he could count Page's pin attempt.
-And the pile-up commenced. Madden sent a message to Hall to show up right now. (Unfortunately, he's either in jail, in a bar, or unable to leave a certain city)
-While Nash and Page won't get any hassle for this... Madden should be fined, lectured, suspended, raped, and injected with AIDS for playing along.
-commercials
-Starrcade... oh my Sweet F-ing SATAN!!!!... THEY ACTUALLY AGAIN SAID "YOU CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT WILL HAPPEN UNTIL YOU SEE IT!!!" THAT MAKES FIVE... COUNT THEM... FIVE PPV'S IN A ROW WHERE THEY SAID WE "CANNOT IMAGINE" WHAT WILL HAPPEN!!! WILL SOMEBODY... FOR THE LOVE OF JUDAS... WILL SOME OF YOU F-ING MONKEYS IN WCW GET YOUR F-ING PENIS OUT OF YOUR F-ING LIFEMATE'S ASS AND COME UP WITH A NEW GODDAM PROMOTIONAL COPY!!!!!
-Stevie Ray tells Okerlund that Steiner is a "sad sack crackerjack", among other things.
-Reno was squished by Goldberg. The less said, the better.
-Luger ran out afterwards a charied the big guy... then racked him. I SWEAR I saw Goldberg yawn while being Racked.
-commercials
-Los Animales Filthy all have fun ragging away at Jeff Jarrett. I have fun playing with the Fast Forward button.
-Did this show jump back to 3 hours without telling anyone?
-Bam Bam Bigelow battled Hugh Morrus for the US title. ATTABOY RECTION!!!! GO TEACH THE COMMIE BASTARD SOME LESSONS IN FREEDOM OF POLTICAL AFFILIATION!!! (hey... wait a second)
-Bam Bam wraps up Rection in a devastating chinlock... which means he either A: Has a keen sense of cultural awareness and senses that the fans are ready for the returnm of 5 minute rest holds, B: Is deep into his secret plan to destroy WCW from within (why doesn't he just join Page and Nash then?), or C: Just doesn't give a frig.
-*COUGHlastoneGAG*
-Bam Bam feigned an injury so Hugh could try a flying elbow. Bam Bam moved cunningly out of the way. Much like his big sucker act last night... Bigelow suckered Hugh again... which means that either A: Hugh is a loyal, self-less, team player willing to work within the boundaries of the script, B: Bam Bam is a really good actor and made Hugh believe that he was hurt, or C: Hugh is a moron.
-*HACKseetwomarksagoWHEEZE*
-Tony SHRIEKED that Bam Bam just powerbombed Morrus, which cut-off Madden's little oration about how the US title is no longer and automatic #1 contender deal (heh... now someone go tell Stu Saks this). Tony gets props for the best damn cut-off he has EVER given.
-Bam Bam fetches a table from under the ring.
-A-Wall shows up and pulls it away. Bam Bam jaws at him.
-Hugh with a Moonsault. Hugh with a victory.
-commercials
-Steiner tells Okerlund that tonight's the night anyone in WCW who's black will PAY!!!!!
-To show that he ain't lying... he runs out to the parking lot and attacks Smooth (Jeeze... where was this big prick when I was dealing with another "Smooth" in prison?), who was driving that white limo. Said limo had nothing but girls in there.
-Jeff Jarrett came out and dropped "Slapass" for the unprecedented THIRD time tonight. Christ, dude... get ANOTHER tagline. He also called out those damn, dirty Mutts
-They came out, of course. It turns out to be Rey Mysterio. The Announcers sell this by screaming that Rey Rey has had a TON of upsets in his day.
-This wasn't one of them. Well... thanks to the Guitar, Jarrett was DQed, but he damn near broke Rey's neck with this UGLY powerbomb. Konan, Kidman, and even that fat chick got involved on numerous occasions.
-Hell of a match, actually
-commercials
-Jarrett talked to Pollshock and got in "Slap nuts/ass" AGAIN. WHO IS THIS GUY BLOWING??? THE MAN GETS MORE MIC TIME IN A NIGHT THAN MOST GUYS GET ALL YEAR!!!
-Stevie Ray came out. With any luck, this will be his last match. Which means that you now have an official excuse to cheer the white guy.
-Steiner was getting ready
-A BLACK limo pulls up. Just ONCE I'd like to see ONE Superstar pull up in a Dart
-commercials
-Steiner comes out. He jaws at some fans. Stevie Ray attacks. It's on.
-Steiner's bim hits Stevie with a pipe.
-Steiner works away for a while... Stevie fights back with a big boot. It takes a year for Stevie to lift that leg up.
-Steiner retakes things.
-Stevie fights back. The Announcers do whatever they can to sell us on the possibility that Stevie Ray can end up as World Champ tonight without laughing. You HAVE to respect that.
-Steiner with the Belly to Belly
-Steiner climbs the second rope and leaps for the "I'll just jump down and look like I actually had something lethal in mind" move (Tony called it the "Sidewalk Slam")
-Stevie foils Steiner's plan by putting on the Bookend. Tony screams, "THAT'S HIS BROTHER'S MOVE!!!!" (grrr.... dickhead!)
-Steiner lifted the shoulder up in time
-A Steiner clothesline which was more like a thump to the head because... well... Stevie is fatigued and things are getting ugly.
-WOW... look at how exhausted Stevie is... I haven't seen a wrestler get so fagged out since Mr. T at Wrestlemania.
-Stevie with the PEDIGREE (and a big F-YOU to the guy on the 411 board who pointed out that I said nobody riopped off HHH's Pedigree... hey dude... is there a small PART of you that is even REMOTELY ashamed of yourself?)
-Thanks to the Bim... Steiner got on the Recliner and won the match. Stevie Ray is offically done with wrestling, (and praise Allah for THAT!)
-Steiner's music does NOT play... instead, a familiar beat comes on.
-and scant seconds before the show ends... out comes SID VICIOUS!!! STEINER'S BIG STARRCADE CHALLENGER!!!
-The show ends.
Well, so much for Starrcade being "Workrate Lover's Deluxe".
Maybe we'll get lucky and Sid'll crap his pants mid-match again?
Oh, and he is NO Rock and NO Austin and doesn't even come even remote NEAR their universes. But I'm sure you knew that.
But you know what? It was a fairly gosh darn good show. Solid wrestling... easygoing scripting... nice fluidity. Angles were built sensibly.
Screw it... Nitro wins. Hell, might as well give them some props before they do something stupid again and grind the momentum back down to a halt.
Let's enjoy the Closer.
So, over the past 30 years of my miserable existence, I've picked up on a few things. A few little tidbits that have served me well in terms of living. So, I figured that since a great number of you are still quite young and naive... I'd thought I'd pass along some real advice, information, and pearls of wisdom that I have collected over the years. Listen up, kids... Old Man Hyatte is about to help you out and make life a little easier...
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW...
-If you shave with a regular razor, and not an electric gizmo, then you can throw out the shaving creme. You don't need it. 2 minutes... 2 minutes in a hot shower makes your face tender enough to shave with the razor without a single drop of creme. And I don't mean a slow shave either, I mean you can go in there and run that mother across your face as fast as you want. It's great and the hair gets washed away by the massive water rush that a shower produces, so you won't even have to worry about cleaning up any hair. If you have a goatee that needs to be kept straight... relax... because you face stays tender for a good 15 minutes after you get out... so you can wipe the steam off the mirror and neaten up those sideburns. It also works for chest, legs, ass, and if you're shaving your head. You never... EVER... need shaving creme again.
-Keep your refrigerator cold enough, and eggs will keep for a year. I have eggs in my fridge that I bought last January. They are fine.
-Local store brand toothpaste works just as well as Crest, Aim, Colgate, and any other high priced toothpaste out there. You are paying extra for a NAME, people... that's it.
-Same rule goes for Laundry detergent, Bleach, cleansing agent... damn near anything other than food.
-Oh, and if you brush your teeth with baking soda, your teeth will get nice and white.
-gargle with Hydrogen Peroxide too. It really helps keep your teeth from falling out.
-Best cure for diarrhea... two shots of Blackberry Brandy.
-Best way to avoid a hangover... before going to bed, stick your finger down your throat and puke it ALL up. Get it all out of your system. I know, it sounds gross, but it feels almost... cleansing, as it all comes up. Afterwards, drink some water or OJ to get the taste out. You'll wake up in great shape.
-Best way to fall asleep... think up a story... be it a comic book story, a horror story... anything not involving your life. Concentrate on the story from beginning to end. This will occupy your mind and relax your body. You'll be out in 20 minutes, tops.
-Of all the fast food joints... Taco Bell will give you the most chow for $10
-Of all the fast food joints... Wendy's has the freshest food
-Most Chinese restaurants take store bought egg rolls and add their own batter to them.
-On every AM talk radio show at any given moment, you WILL hear the sentence, "We have to get those bums outta office!"
-The most touching, generous, sweetest thing you can do for someone is wash their car without notice, warning, and for no reason.
-Never... EVER... drive with your windows down at night while your drunk. It's the first thing Cops look for... especially on chilly nights.
-If you have to go to Traffic court... dress nicely. The Judge will look kindly on you if you dress with respect towards the Court system. Go a goddam day without baggy pants, Air Jordans, and a FUBU shirt.
-If a girl you are REALLY into is talking to you and boring you to tears about all the dragons she's slain and how she has persevered through all the obstacles life has handed to her... stop her mid-sentence and say, "You know what, I'll wait until your autobiography comes out." She may get offended... but she'll also be intrigued by you. Nothing turns on a woman more than disinterest. So long as you don't spazz out and be RUDE... you will be on her mind BIG time.
-Every guy jerks off. Every one. If they tell you that they don't... they are lying. So you aren't alone.
-Cars can go 4000-5000 miles between oil changes. Just keep an eye on the level and you'll be fine for a while, if you are strapped for cash.
-The best night's sleep you will EVER have... the best MONTH you will ever have... is the first night and the first month you live in your new apartment alone... away from Mom and Dad.
-If your girl has trouble climaxing with you... it's not your fault. Girls have wacky private parts. The best way to go is after you're finished, use your hand on her. She'll get her rocks off and be in PHAT love with you because nobody else thought to do what you just did.
-Most people who try suicide just want attention. Chances are, if you are thinking of suicide... you really don't want to DIE, you just want attention. Guess what, hop-a-long? NOBODY gets the attention they think they deserve. Just live your life quietly and realize that there are billions of people going through the same shit you are going through.
-And, if you are really down... one thing that always works for me is getting up before dawn and watching a new day unfold. I know it sounds corny, but I find it cathartic.
-In two years, you'll realize how young and stupid you are today. This cycle repeats itself every 2 years, by the way.
-The only way a stripper will ever go with you is if you meet her outside her club and if you don't know what she does.
-Your parents are a lot smarter than you are... and they know that you're up to something.
-Liquid Plumber or Drano really makes your sinks and bathtubs spotless.
-Hate ironing? Then hang your shirts and pants in the bathroom as you shower. The steam will straighten them right out.
-Liquid Detergent kicks Powdered Detergent's ass. The powdered shit clogs up your washer and sometimes doesn't wash off your clothes.
-Anything dark... cold water. Anything white... hot water and a shitload of bleach.
-If chewed long enough, any kind of chewing gum... even bubble gum... will eventually disintegrate in your mouth.
-If you're fat and hate "sensible diets" because they don't work fast enough for you? Bullshit. Simply by eating right and a little exercise and there will be NOTICEABLE results within a month.
-Finally... if you support the Legalization of Marijuana... grow up. If the government did legalize pot, they would ONLY legalize the kind they produce themselves... and trust me, the legal, government issue grass will be the worst shit you've EVER toked on. You're much better off with that small crop of Jamaican Ganja you keep deep in the woods behind your house, Spanky.
That's it for the kid. I'm gone. Next week, I spill the beans on Unbreakable, do a closer about comics, and pull together some other crap that you probably won't appreciate.
A-Holes... the lot of you. Why do I even bother, anyway?
This is Hyatte
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